To the Editor:
Re “Why Aren’t More People Marrying? Ask Women What Dating Is Like,” by Anna Louie Sussman (Opinion guest essay, Nov. 25):
After reading this essay, I came away with a feeling that too often today, our society promotes victimhood. Women (and men) today should not blame the opposite sex for their decision not to get married.
As a man who has been married for 45 years to the same woman, I would tell your readers a few things: Nobody is perfect, life is full of surprises (good and bad), and quitting is your last option, not your first, so take a chance and work at it.
My wife and I got married young, and with the birth of our first son, who was born with disabilities, we both worked hard at marriage and still do.
Life is not easy for most people, and taking a chance is part of living life. Postponing or not committing to marriage because of the uncertainty of finding the “perfect” partner, financial security, etc., creates its own problems, just as partnering with someone who is not perfect does.
Sometimes I feel that women need to stop blaming men for the problems in the world. For as long as men and women have been on earth, both sexes have had to put up with each other’s differences, and there are endless examples of successful partnerships.
Take a chance, with the understanding that no one is perfect, forgive and forget, and work hard at marriage — it is worth it.
Jim Strauss
Waukee, Iowa
To the Editor:
Anna Louie Sussman candidly describes the situation of modern-day single women in the U.S. I spent my 20s in a relationship that was supposed to culminate in marriage. When the romance + marriage + kids equation did not work out, I found myself single and seeking.
By the time I reached my late 30s with my biological clock ticking, I encountered two barriers: Most never-married men my age were now looking for someone younger, with the promise of greater fertility, and then there were men in their early- to mid-40s, emerging from difficult separations, divorces and custody battles.
I tried to fit the mold of future wife and potential stepmother, but perhaps failed by being both overzealous and never quite getting it — parenting is a rite of passage that cannot be understood secondhand.
At 38 I decided to become a single mother by choice and spent my 40s with all the usual preoccupations of middle-class parenting; the difference was that I did it alone.
Now in my early 50s, I am back in the dating pool and discovering that the odds are still stacked against me: Am I overeducated and “too” successful (I have a Ph.D.)? Am I not thin enough? Am I not “active” enough when everybody online seems to hike, bike, run and ski? Is being “never married” a blot against me? Is it that I am an Indian immigrant?
It is a minefield of potential deal breakers to which I will never know the answers, but what I know is this: My generation of women will perhaps be the first with such a large percentage to have never married, and it hasn’t always been out of choice.
Rajika Bhandari
Irvington, N.Y.
To the Editor:
This article gave a very good analysis of the gender roles and sociological perspectives of modern relationships. A key factor in the success of my 45-year marriage was that my wife married a feminist.
Women should openly and explicitly date “feminists” and not be someone who “hesitates to use the word.” They would then know that their prospective partner actively supports women’s rights and an egalitarian relationship.
As an active feminist spouse, I perform child care duties, do domestic work (laundry and washing dishes), and appreciate the economic contributions my wife makes to the family unit (she is a working professional with two master’s degrees). A true feminist encourages intellectual and career advancement in a dating partner or spouse and is not threatened.
Mark Ondrake
Seattle
To the Editor:
This is a fantastic article! As a 38-year-old single woman, I am so happy to see someone speaking out and validating my experiences and reasoning for taking a step back from the social pressure of the expectation to get married and have a family to qualify as a happy, healthy member of society.
White male privilege and an overall lack of willingness to commit are so prevalent in the dating world that it just left me jaded and happy to remain single. I don’t need a man to be happy, or to be a good parent.
I only hope men will read the article and learn something, too.
Kristen Snow
Monticello, Ark.
To the Editor:
The research showing that children do better in two-parent families is conflating correlation and causation. Children of married couples are not better off because of the marriage. They are better off because the men are worth marrying.
Marrying a man who is abusive, does not hold a job or uses drugs does not improve the lives of children. Marrying a man who stands by you and supports his kids is what improves the lives of kids. And if the children have that kind of father, they will be better off, whether or not the couple is married. It is not the marriage, it is the man — whether you exchange rings or not.
When I had my son, who is severely disabled and medically fragile, his father and I were not married. We had not planned to live together, but planned to share in the child care in two households. When our son was born, it was clear that he was going to need a great deal of care. His father immediately moved in, and we took turns holding him while he cried for hours.
We did not marry for many years. When we did, it was for health insurance. Love and commitment had been there for years by the time we changed our tax status.
Michelle Noris
Queens
To the Editor:
Anna Louie Sussman didn’t mention the illusion of infinite choice that both men and women find on dating sites. People are less inclined to compromise because they think there’s always another prospect right behind this one. And another. And another. It’s a pernicious psychology.
Bruce Sheiman
New York
To the Editor:
Thank you for this article. Because of our cultural conditioning, many women (at least I) wonder: Is it just me? Is this my fault?
I’m 45 years old, have a master’s degree and have been in therapy for many years. The men I’ve dated have seemed like good catches at first (smart, motivated, respectful), only to later reveal their issues. These range from mild alcoholism, bouncing from job to job, lack of purpose, vaccine conspiracy theories, inability to commit, condescension and an inability to lean in when things get hard.
This article is a helpful reminder that while I have my own issues to work through, my dating challenges are part of a trend in which men in this country are lacking in social supports early in life to develop the emotional skills needed to thrive later in life.
E. Ramos
Santa Fe, N.M.
To the Editor:
The author freely uses negative stereotypes about men that would cause outrage if the roles were reversed. Can you imagine a guest essay being published in which men complained about dating because of various misogynistic tropes?
Tony Bozanich
New York